Thursday, May 31, 2007
Update
Ummm, sorry it's been so long since I've updated. I've really wanted to. Summer's in full swing. I'm now working 40 hour weeks, and I spend my precious free time either sleeping LOTS or watching movies. Yeah, I have no life. Anyhow, I'm going back to New Concord for Susan and Wade's wedding! I'm really looking forward to seeing my Muskies again!!! I just got a letter in the mail this morning that I haven't lost my scholarship, so hopefully that means I'll get to return to precious Skangum as a sophomore. I'm still a bit shaken up from that possibility and some other stuff; so I would really appreciate it if you would pray for me. A lot of people have told me they already are; you guys are such a blessing to my life and I can't thank you enough. I really would love to know who is reading this. Anyone see the link from Facebook? Well, I'm off to work more, just took a quick break.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Goodnight Sweetheart
This is one of the most beautiful collection of words I have ever set my eyes on. They were written by Josh Dies of Showbread. I hope they inspire and offer hope.
Tonight is the last night that I will walk alone. tonight is the last night i will call this place my home. i have fought many windmills, and chased after wind. i've clasped my hands around nothing again and again. we're all just bleeding to death from self inflicted wounds. we're all obtainting careers to provide our dooms. blindfolded and naive. lay our treasures in our fireplaces. place our children on the train tracks and pull the wool over their faces. i have made some twin with selfish ambition and thread. and sewed up my cuts before i'd be dead. i tied knots with faith in the world and myself. living for pleasure and toiling for wealth. i played outside for years with a butterfly net. chasing the wind every day before the sun set. then i cried into my pillow and clinched my fists, and looked for new things to sew up my wrists. ignoring the voice that whispered "goodnight sweetheart.." i refuse to admit the stitches are coming apart.
the years all went by and i am alone, everything has turned to dust that i called my own. i can't find something worth anything as far as i can see, the jars for the wind i've been chasing are empty. nothing in this world has lasted or put hope in my heart, the stitches have unraveled and are coming apart.
just beneath my wrists i watched this scarlet puddle grow. i can't find anything more that i can use to sew. at the end of my rope is a dangling noose, i have tied while living for nothing, and found nothing of any use. i am tired of fighting windmills and i'm tired of chasing the wind, i will not open my hands to find nothing ever again.
then his voice whispered to me before i closed my eyes, "i have already given you my life, so why is it that you chose to die?" then i saw him there standing over me, i covered my wrists, afraid that he would see. i couldn't look in his eyes and i felt so ashamed. i tried to hide all the blood colored stains. and my voice was shaking as i started to cry, i could feel that soon i was going to die. "i have nothing to fill all the holes in my heart ... the stitches have unraveled and are coming apart. i have chased after wind for a very long time, still i have nothing worth saying is mine. everything i did was for nothing and now i'm bleeding to death. and when I'll be dead i will still not have rest." as the blood ran down like the tears in my eyes, the only thing i have heard that has freedom from lies, spilled over his lips on to me. pale and broken. of all of the words i have heard to be spoken. all of the sorrow and all the regret. the years, the toil, the butterfly nets, this wasted life and all of this ... this never ending emptiness ... washed away below my arms in the blood that poured down, the thread and the stitches fell to the ground. his words blanketed me as my pain reached it's end, "I've loved you forever, and my love never ends."
Tonight is the last night that I will walk alone. tonight is the last night i will call this place my home. i have fought many windmills, and chased after wind. i've clasped my hands around nothing again and again. we're all just bleeding to death from self inflicted wounds. we're all obtainting careers to provide our dooms. blindfolded and naive. lay our treasures in our fireplaces. place our children on the train tracks and pull the wool over their faces. i have made some twin with selfish ambition and thread. and sewed up my cuts before i'd be dead. i tied knots with faith in the world and myself. living for pleasure and toiling for wealth. i played outside for years with a butterfly net. chasing the wind every day before the sun set. then i cried into my pillow and clinched my fists, and looked for new things to sew up my wrists. ignoring the voice that whispered "goodnight sweetheart.." i refuse to admit the stitches are coming apart.
the years all went by and i am alone, everything has turned to dust that i called my own. i can't find something worth anything as far as i can see, the jars for the wind i've been chasing are empty. nothing in this world has lasted or put hope in my heart, the stitches have unraveled and are coming apart.
just beneath my wrists i watched this scarlet puddle grow. i can't find anything more that i can use to sew. at the end of my rope is a dangling noose, i have tied while living for nothing, and found nothing of any use. i am tired of fighting windmills and i'm tired of chasing the wind, i will not open my hands to find nothing ever again.
then his voice whispered to me before i closed my eyes, "i have already given you my life, so why is it that you chose to die?" then i saw him there standing over me, i covered my wrists, afraid that he would see. i couldn't look in his eyes and i felt so ashamed. i tried to hide all the blood colored stains. and my voice was shaking as i started to cry, i could feel that soon i was going to die. "i have nothing to fill all the holes in my heart ... the stitches have unraveled and are coming apart. i have chased after wind for a very long time, still i have nothing worth saying is mine. everything i did was for nothing and now i'm bleeding to death. and when I'll be dead i will still not have rest." as the blood ran down like the tears in my eyes, the only thing i have heard that has freedom from lies, spilled over his lips on to me. pale and broken. of all of the words i have heard to be spoken. all of the sorrow and all the regret. the years, the toil, the butterfly nets, this wasted life and all of this ... this never ending emptiness ... washed away below my arms in the blood that poured down, the thread and the stitches fell to the ground. his words blanketed me as my pain reached it's end, "I've loved you forever, and my love never ends."
Responsibility
Just to let you all know up front: No, I am not forsaking my procrastinating ways any time soon. I just realized something today that I felt like sharing with the likes of you.
I arrived home. It had been so long since I had felt this tired. I needed to lie down and not get up until at least the next morning, but there was another voice calling for me. It may have seemed small, but my dog was barking. I pleaded with my father who had allowed the purchase of said dog to take him out, but it was something I had to do. I had to drop everything and put something outside of me before everything else.
I imagine this will slightly resemble what it will be like when I have kids (with a lot more crying.) Don't get me wrong. For the last few months I've been really looking forward to having kids, but rest assured that it won't be for at least like five years.
I arrived home. It had been so long since I had felt this tired. I needed to lie down and not get up until at least the next morning, but there was another voice calling for me. It may have seemed small, but my dog was barking. I pleaded with my father who had allowed the purchase of said dog to take him out, but it was something I had to do. I had to drop everything and put something outside of me before everything else.
I imagine this will slightly resemble what it will be like when I have kids (with a lot more crying.) Don't get me wrong. For the last few months I've been really looking forward to having kids, but rest assured that it won't be for at least like five years.
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